I returned to Uganda knowing there were a few people who didn't really want me here --- but I was very certain of the ones who would support me and be ready to help me. But sometimes things are not all that easy and sometimes people will disappoint you! One by one the people I thought were my friends fell away and the first year back in Uganda was one of the most difficult years of my life.
One of the young men who Bob and I had poured our hearts and lives into turned on me and saw me as his enemy. I was so hurt an confused, all I wanted to do was to go home. One night I sat up all night on my bed and begged God to just release me and let me go home. I cried and prayed and read scriptures and listened to praise music and cried some more. And I pleaded with God to let me go home. And God said "No". I remember exactly the hour that He said it --- it was 5:00 am. And it was loud enough as if He was speaking out loud to me. I knew it was Him and the peace of God that passes all understanding came to me at that moment. I stayed in obedience to Him and oh what I would have missed if I has not obeyed Him!
At the end of that night this is what I wrote in my journal.
As I struggle, Lord, with all the issues of being here, feeling overwhelmed, hurt, jealous, frustrated, inadequate -- etc, I need you so much! I can't do this work without You! If You are not in this, if You don't take control --- please take me home.
Please fill me with the knowledge of your will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding --- Help me live a life worthy of You. I want to please You in every way. Help me to bear fruit in every good work. Help me to grow in the knowledge of You. Strengthen me will all power according to Your glorious might. Give me great endurance. Give me patience. I will joyfully give You thanks. Colossians 1:9-10
Jesus I love You and I really want my life to be pleasing to You! How many times do I surrender my life to You before I know You have complete control? Help me, forgive me when I snatch my life back from You and then have to surrender it to You all over again. I am nothing without You Lord!
Missing Bob so much! He was my guide - he was the one who knew how to organize stuff. Please be that for me now Lord!
I thank the Lord for that night and for Him telling me "No". Oh what blessings I would have missed if I had gone home. God knew what I needed and I had to learn to trust that no matter what the circumstances looked like -- He was to be trusted. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.
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